Monday, 14 February 2011

Crap Beer Names


As someone who finds himself staring at the beer boards in my local pubs more often than I should, I'm frequently struck by how shit, sexist or simply embarrassing some of the beer names are. On the one hand you have the plain and straight down the line beer names that tell you simply the brewery and the style of beer, such as Redemption London Porter. Occasionally, the name may indicate the type of hop used,eg, Oakham Citra or Crouch Vale Amarillo. These are good names because they give you an indication of what you can expect when you buy your pint.

However, there are beers out there with names so skin crawlingly cringeworthy they do the opposite from what was originally intended and rather than entice you in to try and buy them, I find they force me away from them. I'm sure you have all seen them in your visit to the pub.

These are the beers with silly puns, double entendres, smutty Spoonerisms or just plain shit names. Some of them are usually accompanied by pumpclips that would bring a smile to the face of Benny Hill's corpse or strike a chord with sacked Sky Sports presenters.

So, in no particular order, here's my Dirty Dozen of Crap Beer Names -

North Yorkshire Love Muscle

Houston's Helga's Big Jugs and Top Totty

Ho Hum.....

Nelson's Friggin' in the Riggin' and Spanker

Great Oakley's Gobble

Northumberland's Cupid Stunt


Fuzzy Duck's Cunning Stunt

Cairngorm's Sheepshagger

Sandstone's Buxom Barmaid

Art Brew's Spanked Monkey

Suthwyk's Old Dick

Going by some of those names, I wouldn't be surprised if Mrs Grimshaw's Poorly Packed Kebab IPA makes an appearance soon in pubs around the country.

It must be a hoot for female barstaff when asked for the 15th time that night, "Can I have two Gobbles and a Spanked Monkey, please?", "Would you like a taste of my Old Dick?" or "Are you pulling my Love Muscle?"

There are no doubt worse beer names out there than the ones I have listed but as long as it gives the punters a laugh and the opportunity to snigger up their sleeves, then that's alright then?  Or is it? With more females trying beer isn't it time that these type of beer names got consigned to the past? My partner likes beer and so do some of her friends. They shy away from these beers simply because of the name. How many more feel the same way?

Quite a few I would reckon.



  1. Yep - there's a lot of folk who make beers who can combine a thorough absence of humour with a worryingly sniggersome sexism. And yep it is off putting when you see them on the pumps.
    Still you could suggest to the pubs in question that they stop buying the joke named beers. I'm sure the brewers would start getting the message quite quickly..

  2. the most important thing about Houston's "Top Totty" though is that IT TASTES OF ROAST CHICKEN CRISPS!!!

    in not unrelated news i saw an advert in the current London Drinker that the Speaker in victoria ( is currently having a "beers you'd be embarressed to order in front of you're grandmother" festival, no doubt featuring some, or all of the above...

  3. (i'm embarrassed by both spelling and bad apostrophe use in my previous comment)

    also i'm sure we've all giggled when ordering a pint of Butcombe?

  4. Bad, immature and innuendo-led names and pumpclips are my real beer annoyance at the moment so you've beaten me to the post! I find them childish and cringeworthy and for me they set themselves up as novelty beers. It might get the odd 'for a laugh' orders, but who really wants to order one of them beers over and over again?!

    Nice post and good to name a shame!!

  5. I agree with Mark. Childish and unfunny.

  6. I would have included Sink The Bismarck in that list of tasteless beer names.

  7. You should go browse Pumpclip Parade :)

    I think the oddest German beer name I saw was Erotic Beer (maybe NSFW, depending on how far you scroll down). I even submitted it to the Parade, but I think he only does British beer :)

  8. I was in my local the other night drinking pints of Piddle from the Dorset Piddle Brewery.